Monday morning. Not exactly everybody's favorite time of the week. Normally not an issue for me, but this semester they seem to be quite detremental to my general well-being.
Today is a make it or break it type of day. If today goes well (academically, emotionally, mentally, etc.) I think I'll make it through the week. I'm also currently accepting bets on when I have another total meltdown.
Off to get some coffee. More thoughts later.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Motivation, senioritis style
Fear. Fear is my main motivation right now. Fear that I somehow will screw up my research project, my magazine, my website, my GRE, or any combination of the above. Failure is not an option at this point. I need to be batting 1.00 (for you nonbaseballers that would be pronounced "a thousand", batting a thousand is a perfect batting average) for the next four weeks.
The inevitable only 21 days away. That's 21 days until I am technically not a college student any more. On December 20 I am a graduate. So what am I on December 21? Successful? Carefree? Jobless? Hopeless? I'll no longer be confined to the September to May school year schedule. Since I'm a Decemebr graduate, does that mean that it's like I start my "summer" vacation in January, like the May graduates start theirs in June? Since I'm no longer on the education systems calendar, does that mean that New Year's will actually feel like a fresh start? Do we have to measure time by the Mayan calendar? What if I want my New Year to start on my birthday, because that was my starting point, so shouldn't I have the benefit of having a full year to complete goals instead of just having from July 24 to December 31? Although the only year that argument would be relevant would be the year I was born; every other year I have had the full 12 months to complete those year long check lists. But I digress. This entry is full of questions because for the first time in my life my future is uncertain. Beside the obvious breathing, eating, sleeping, repeat, I have no idea what's going to happen.
For the past four years I have worked to get to this point, worked harder at certain times than others, but nonetheless there was some level of work involved. The ratio of work to drinking and partying is not relevant right now, nor should it ever be. I have good grades, I am going to graduate (that was a very scary phrase to type), and I am going to get that dream job someday; and if I enjoyed myself a little along the way, so what. Sue me.
Four years of work are supposedly culminating on December 20. But it's more like 22 years of work. Preschool is only to prep for kindergarten. Kindergarten is to prep for elementary school. Elementary sch.....you get my point. Everything we've done so far has been to prepare for more school. So with the possibility of no more school, I'll have to shift my motivation. My new motivation will be shiny, like a tall sky scraper. My new motivation will be glossy, like the cover of a new magazine. My motivation will be more important than ever before.
The inevitable only 21 days away. That's 21 days until I am technically not a college student any more. On December 20 I am a graduate. So what am I on December 21? Successful? Carefree? Jobless? Hopeless? I'll no longer be confined to the September to May school year schedule. Since I'm a Decemebr graduate, does that mean that it's like I start my "summer" vacation in January, like the May graduates start theirs in June? Since I'm no longer on the education systems calendar, does that mean that New Year's will actually feel like a fresh start? Do we have to measure time by the Mayan calendar? What if I want my New Year to start on my birthday, because that was my starting point, so shouldn't I have the benefit of having a full year to complete goals instead of just having from July 24 to December 31? Although the only year that argument would be relevant would be the year I was born; every other year I have had the full 12 months to complete those year long check lists. But I digress. This entry is full of questions because for the first time in my life my future is uncertain. Beside the obvious breathing, eating, sleeping, repeat, I have no idea what's going to happen.
For the past four years I have worked to get to this point, worked harder at certain times than others, but nonetheless there was some level of work involved. The ratio of work to drinking and partying is not relevant right now, nor should it ever be. I have good grades, I am going to graduate (that was a very scary phrase to type), and I am going to get that dream job someday; and if I enjoyed myself a little along the way, so what. Sue me.
Four years of work are supposedly culminating on December 20. But it's more like 22 years of work. Preschool is only to prep for kindergarten. Kindergarten is to prep for elementary school. Elementary sch.....you get my point. Everything we've done so far has been to prepare for more school. So with the possibility of no more school, I'll have to shift my motivation. My new motivation will be shiny, like a tall sky scraper. My new motivation will be glossy, like the cover of a new magazine. My motivation will be more important than ever before.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
the countdown
28 days until my senior project presentation
31 days until graduation
121 days until my graduate school applications are due
___ days until my nervous breakdown. You'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
101 things in 1001 days
The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (i.e. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (i.e. represent some amount of work).
Start date: November 16, 2009
End date: August 13, 2012
Professional/Career
1. Graduate from UW-L
2. Get into grad school
3. Be published in something people will actually read
4. Move out east
5. Buy a Mac Book Pro
6. Get a job in publishing
7. Have professional headshots taken
8. Create my professional website
9. Write a recommendation letter for a friend/co-worker
10. Send an update to my favorite professors when I've "made it" after college
Family
11. Go to Rocky Horror at the Oriental with Carly
12. Have a N64 tournament with Matt and Ryan
13. Go camping with my Dad
14. Visit Carly when she's studying abroad in Europe
Friends
15. Have a farewell Tour de La Crosse with Mitch and Megan
16. McDonald's breakfast with the BYM girls
17. Come back to La Crosse for Oktoberfest with the girls
18. Celebrate my golden birthday with my best friends in a fabulous city
19. See Boondock Saints 2 with Laura
20. Go out of my way to help a friend complete a # on their list
21. Find a piece of sports trivia that Chris doesn't know
22. Have another Dream Team camping/tubing trip
23. Go shopping with Hannah and not buy anything
24. Go to Iowa City with Sara
Beauty, Health, and Wellness
25. Grow my hair out to the length it was when I graduated high school
26. Swim laps at the YMCA at least once a week for a month
27. Actually follow through with coloring my hair
28. Reach my goal weight
29. Go one month without drinking any alcohol
30. Get my eyes checked (and then probably get glasses)
Food and Drink
31. Make a chocolate angel food cake (by myself) for my mom's birthday
32. Eat at STK
33. Drink a dirty martini
34. Host (and cook) a family dinner
35. Make my mom's stir fry (12/05/09)
36. Go to State Fair and eat only food on a stick
37. Cook gnocchi
38. Enjoy a picnic in the park
39. Write down an organize the family recipes I love
40. Bake a pumpkin pie, from an actual pumpkin
Destinations
41. Go to a baseball game at Fenway Park
42. Drive on the Beltway (around D.C.)
43. Go to the beach and actually go into the ocean
44. Take the train/bus down to Chicago with Carly
45. Gamble in Vegas
46. See a play on Broadway
47. Have my picture taken in front of 245 E. 73rd St, between Park and Madison, third brownstone on the right
48. Buy something from Pat Field's NYC store
49. Take a road trip (driving home to Milwaukee doesn't count)
50.Go to Calverton with Carly, Matt, and Ryan
51. Drink a beer at Cheers in Boston
52. Visit the Today Show while it's filming
Finances
53. Consolidate and begin paying off my student loans
54. Sell my cello and save the money for moving out east
55. Open and contribute monthly to a savings account
Just for fun
56. Go ice skating at Red Arrow Park in Milwaukee
57. Re-learn how to ski
58. Get a tattoo
59. Get my face painted at a carnival
60. Ride the sky lift thing at Summerfest
61. Rip open a feather pillow just to see the feathers fly
62. Pour a drink on some asshole in a bar
63. See Weezer in concert
64. Find an appropriate occasion to wear my sequin t-shirt dress again
65. Win Monopoly
66. Date a wonderful man
67. Take a ride in a hot air balloon
68. Pet a lion
69. Be a bridesmaid in another wedding
70. Wear high heels all day, every day for a week
71. Go to a drive-in movie
72. Watch the sun rise
73. Skinny dip
74. Play my cello one more time
75.Build a house of cards (12/04/09)
76. Buy Maxwell a kitten friend
77. See Say Anything in concert
78. For Halloween, go as a couples costume with my manfriend
79. Pull an all nighter (I'm hoping this isn't accomplished while working on my senior project)
80. Buy myself a nice piece of jewelry for no specific reason
81. Reunite Mocha (the badgercub) and Maxwell
82. See Motion City Soundtrack in concert again
83. Take a multi day canoe trip
84. Turn my cell phone off for one whole day
85. Want to catch the bouquet
86. Slap someone (who deserves it) across the face
87. Buy the perfect little black dress
88. Add something to my blog at least once a week (for all 1001 days)
89. Buy flowers for someone
90. Subscribe to the New York Times
91. (private)
92. Compile a list of all family and friends' addresses
93. Donate everything I don't want when I move to either my siblings or charity (in an attempt to not take stuff I don't need out east)
94. Volunteer at an animal shelter
95. Create a new list to start the day this one ends.
Learning/Self Improvement
96. Change a tire
97. Find someone with a dark room and see if I remember how to develop a photo
98. Buy bookshelf andbegin to establish my epic book collection
99. Re-learn how to drive a stick shift car
100. Create a filing system and organize all my grown-up paperwork
101. Take a self defense class
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (i.e. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (i.e. represent some amount of work).
Start date: November 16, 2009
End date: August 13, 2012
Professional/Career
2. Get into grad school
3. Be published in something people will actually read
4. Move out east
6. Get a job in publishing
7. Have professional headshots taken
8. Create my professional website
10. Send an update to my favorite professors when I've "made it" after college
Family
11. Go to Rocky Horror at the Oriental with Carly
13. Go camping with my Dad
14. Visit Carly when she's studying abroad in Europe
Friends
15. Have a farewell Tour de La Crosse with Mitch and Megan
17. Come back to La Crosse for Oktoberfest with the girls
18. Celebrate my golden birthday with my best friends in a fabulous city
19. See Boondock Saints 2 with Laura
20. Go out of my way to help a friend complete a # on their list
21. Find a piece of sports trivia that Chris doesn't know
22. Have another Dream Team camping/tubing trip
23. Go shopping with Hannah and not buy anything
24. Go to Iowa City with Sara
Beauty, Health, and Wellness
25. Grow my hair out to the length it was when I graduated high school
26. Swim laps at the YMCA at least once a week for a month
27. Actually follow through with coloring my hair
28. Reach my goal weight
29. Go one month without drinking any alcohol
30. Get my eyes checked (and then probably get glasses)
Food and Drink
31. Make a chocolate angel food cake (by myself) for my mom's birthday
32. Eat at STK
33. Drink a dirty martini
34. Host (and cook) a family dinner
36. Go to State Fair and eat only food on a stick
38. Enjoy a picnic in the park
40. Bake a pumpkin pie, from an actual pumpkin
Destinations
41. Go to a baseball game at Fenway Park
42. Drive on the Beltway (around D.C.)
43. Go to the beach and actually go into the ocean
44. Take the train/bus down to Chicago with Carly
45. Gamble in Vegas
46. See a play on Broadway
47. Have my picture taken in front of 245 E. 73rd St, between Park and Madison, third brownstone on the right
48. Buy something from Pat Field's NYC store
50.Go to Calverton with Carly, Matt, and Ryan
51. Drink a beer at Cheers in Boston
52. Visit the Today Show while it's filming
Finances
53. Consolidate and begin paying off my student loans
54. Sell my cello and save the money for moving out east
55. Open and contribute monthly to a savings account
Just for fun
57. Re-learn how to ski
58. Get a tattoo
59. Get my face painted at a carnival
60. Ride the sky lift thing at Summerfest
61. Rip open a feather pillow just to see the feathers fly
62. Pour a drink on some asshole in a bar
63. See Weezer in concert
64. Find an appropriate occasion to wear my sequin t-shirt dress again
65. Win Monopoly
66. Date a wonderful man
67. Take a ride in a hot air balloon
68. Pet a lion
70. Wear high heels all day, every day for a week
71. Go to a drive-in movie
72. Watch the sun rise
73. Skinny dip
74. Play my cello one more time
75.
76. Buy Maxwell a kitten friend
77. See Say Anything in concert
78. For Halloween, go as a couples costume with my manfriend
79. Pull an all nighter (I'm hoping this isn't accomplished while working on my senior project)
80. Buy myself a nice piece of jewelry for no specific reason
81. Reunite Mocha (the badgercub) and Maxwell
82. See Motion City Soundtrack in concert again
83. Take a multi day canoe trip
84. Turn my cell phone off for one whole day
85. Want to catch the bouquet
86. Slap someone (who deserves it) across the face
87. Buy the perfect little black dress
88. Add something to my blog at least once a week (for all 1001 days)
89. Buy flowers for someone
90. Subscribe to the New York Times
91. (private)
93. Donate everything I don't want when I move to either my siblings or charity (in an attempt to not take stuff I don't need out east)
94. Volunteer at an animal shelter
95. Create a new list to start the day this one ends.
Learning/Self Improvement
96. Change a tire
97. Find someone with a dark room and see if I remember how to develop a photo
98. Buy bookshelf and
99. Re-learn how to drive a stick shift car
100. Create a filing system and organize all my grown-up paperwork
101. Take a self defense class
One louder
I wholeheartedly believe that by turning up the music in your headphones you can turn down the thoughts in your head. Before allowing my brain to move to that deep, dark emotional place I put in those little, white earbuds and turn it to eleven. Or at least I wish I could. Just like in the movie, I am always in need of that extra level of volume, "that little extra push over the cliff," because those little thoughts always try to find their way into your train of thought.
Anyone dealing with deep emotional scarring (of any kind) understands those times of distress. Walking to class, driving home from work, the few moments between consciousness and sleep; those are the hardest times, and just about the only times I'm not doing something else to keep my mind preoccupied.
I have one recommendation. One 'go-to' band of choice. Queen. Specifically Queen's Greatest Hits (Volume One). It always works. Listen straight through; it's essential that you don't skip a track, as they are all epic and will change you life -- or at least your mood.
Anyone dealing with deep emotional scarring (of any kind) understands those times of distress. Walking to class, driving home from work, the few moments between consciousness and sleep; those are the hardest times, and just about the only times I'm not doing something else to keep my mind preoccupied.
I have one recommendation. One 'go-to' band of choice. Queen. Specifically Queen's Greatest Hits (Volume One). It always works. Listen straight through; it's essential that you don't skip a track, as they are all epic and will change you life -- or at least your mood.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The over-under
Today's blog is for Hannah, perhaps the only person who will read this.
I am frantic. Frantic because I am over-caffeinated and under-rested (the over-caffeinated part will be explained below). Under-rested, well that's easy to explain...I'm in college. Not just any part of college, but the semester leading up to my graduation. The pinnacle of my higher education experience will come with much relief, and probably much celebratory drinking, in late December but only after I drag my poor lifeless body through the month of November.
Tonight's project is my yet-to-be-named magazine, possibly the largest single project I've taken on in college; and probably the one that will mean the most after graduation. Creating my own magazine to use as a writing/design sample for employers/grad schools is an endless endeavor, especially after last Friday when I met with my professor and completely redesigned the second half. But it's not his fault; he didn't say "this is rubbish, redo it", I basically talked myself into the changes. [insert energy here]. It's not that I lack the motivation, I know exactly why I need to do this project and I know exactly what it needs to be. Now I just need to do it.
More to come, possibly even tonight depending on how frustrated I get with InDesign and my magazine.
AW
Dear Coffee,
Why are you so delicious? You are tasty, and warm, and a liar. I'm fooled into thinking you will make me more focused in class, more productive after class, and generally in a better mood. But I couldn't focus in class, I'm obviously not being productive after class because I am blogging, and my mood is unchanged (still just as overwhelmed as before, but now I'm now longer overwhelmed from the pressures of graduating but from the fact that my heart may explode and my fingers can't type as fast as my brain wants them to).
So in conclusion, my dearest coffee, I'm going to stay away from your evil, poisonous self despite the lies you have your main worshipers (Maggie, Hannah, and - the ring leader - Ange telling me everyday.
Best,
AW
I am frantic. Frantic because I am over-caffeinated and under-rested (the over-caffeinated part will be explained below). Under-rested, well that's easy to explain...I'm in college. Not just any part of college, but the semester leading up to my graduation. The pinnacle of my higher education experience will come with much relief, and probably much celebratory drinking, in late December but only after I drag my poor lifeless body through the month of November.
Tonight's project is my yet-to-be-named magazine, possibly the largest single project I've taken on in college; and probably the one that will mean the most after graduation. Creating my own magazine to use as a writing/design sample for employers/grad schools is an endless endeavor, especially after last Friday when I met with my professor and completely redesigned the second half. But it's not his fault; he didn't say "this is rubbish, redo it", I basically talked myself into the changes. [insert energy here]. It's not that I lack the motivation, I know exactly why I need to do this project and I know exactly what it needs to be. Now I just need to do it.
More to come, possibly even tonight depending on how frustrated I get with InDesign and my magazine.
AW
Dear Coffee,
Why are you so delicious? You are tasty, and warm, and a liar. I'm fooled into thinking you will make me more focused in class, more productive after class, and generally in a better mood. But I couldn't focus in class, I'm obviously not being productive after class because I am blogging, and my mood is unchanged (still just as overwhelmed as before, but now I'm now longer overwhelmed from the pressures of graduating but from the fact that my heart may explode and my fingers can't type as fast as my brain wants them to).
So in conclusion, my dearest coffee, I'm going to stay away from your evil, poisonous self despite the lies you have your main worshipers (Maggie, Hannah, and - the ring leader - Ange telling me everyday.
Best,
AW
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